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USS Compromise

Sean and I saw Star Trek. Why, you may ask, did I decide to pay $15 to see a movie based on a show I don’t even like? I have one word to answer that: Compromise. And it’s a bitch.

Back around Christmas, I got to choose a movie to see in the theatres. If you recall, there were several decent movies out in late 2008 (well, decent by my definition). There was Coraline and Gran Torino and Marley and Me (ok, maybe this won’t win any Oscars, but I loved the book)….but no. I chose the movie: Four Christmases. The most terribly, awful movie of ALL TIME.  It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t well written. In fact—it was seriously depressing. And as we left the theatre that evening, Sean leaned into me and made the simple statement: “You owe me.”

So I promised to see Star Trek.  The nerd mecca. A promise that I made thinking my scatter-brained boyfriend would have forgotten about by the time the movie came out in theatres. I was wrong. Sean has a supernatural memory when it comes to Star Trek—not so much when I tell him three times of my schedule—but Star Trek, that he’s got down to muscle memory.

Sean has shown me a few episodes from The Next Generation and I’ll admit it…a few were even fairly decent. (I like the one with Famke Jansen).  I even like a few of the Voyager episodes (I KNOW, I know, it’s the “worst” Star Trek Series).  But the thing I hate about most versions of Star Trek (TNG included) is that very few of the characters have distinct personalities. They all speak with the same tone and the same inflection and then there’s the low humming noise of the ship they’re on…..and all that white noise simply puts me to sleep. In fact, I usually request Star Trek to help lull me into a sleep at night. But in Voyager, there are a lot of different characters. There’s a strong woman captain (who admittedly isn’t always the best actress), and the charming doctor hologram dude, the ridiculously sweet Nelix and the super sexed up 7….there are tons of different character dynamics to relate to and keep me interested.

So, despite Voyager, I was somewhat dreading going to this movie, knowing how dull the other seasons of the show were. I dragged my feet the whole way to the theatre, taking a few shots of jager to help get me through the night.  Sean started reminding me of all the things that I DO like about Star Trek to help me “shut the hell up” as he so gently told me:
1) The movie has some hot eye candy.
2) It’s gotten great reviews, including a recommendation from Derrick, (Dustin Nguyen’s kick ass inker).
3) No previous knowledge of the plot is needed to understand the movie. (IE – You do not need to be a total geek to follow the plot)

I thought about these things a moment, all the while picturing the new Capt Kirk…naked.  After clearing my throat, I said:“Well, I do like the holoport.”

And you would have thought Sean’s head might explode. “HoloDECK, Colleen! It’s a holodeck, not holoPORT! How many times do I have to tell you? It’s a deck of holograms where the Star Fleet goes to act out earth-like scenes. Not a place to park your boat!”

Whoa. Geeks get really picky over the semantics of their shows. It’s a good thing I didn’t say this in the theatre…there may have been some sort of geek uprising which would have involved pasting pointy ears on me and exiling me to some snowy unknown land. (If you understand this reference, you are totally a trekkie)

“Ok, fine. Holodeck. Sheesh. I guess I would have known that if I LIVED AT HOME AND PLAYED LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAYING IN MY FREE TIME.” I crossed my arms over my chest and sighed dramatically.

He looked at me and spoke quietly. “Besides, the holodeck wasn’t yet created in this timeline.”

Now it was my turn to explode. “You mean to tell me that my favorite part of the show is not even in the movie?” I threw my hands up in exasperation.

“You didn’t even know what it was called! You thought it was a holoport.”

“Holodeck, holoport….they’re practically the same. Deck, port…boats come in to each.”

Sean just stared at me, blinking. “Boats dock in a deck? How is that even an argument?”

“It’s not.”

In actuality, the movie was pretty good…even without a woman captain and without 7 of 9’s tits, and the holodeck.  But don’t take my word for it because…I’m a doctor, damnit, not a movie critic!

12 Responses to “USS Compromise”

  1. TJ Says:


    Sean will love me for this. They would not, could not paste pointy ears on you and send you to a snowy land because that totally did not happen!. In actuality, it was Kirk and McCoy who were sent to the Klingon penal colony of Rura Penthe, the snowy wonderland in question. While they were trudging through the alpine slopes and making out with Halle Berry, Mr. Spock and his pointy ears were safely aboard the Enterprise, searching for the true assassins of Chancellor Gorkon. And Chancellor Gorkon was assassinated by whom, you ask? Why none other than Kim fucking Catterall, AKA Miranda of Sex in the City.

    And yes, I did all of that from memory, although you can dock me points for checking some spelling. Strangely, this is the first time I’ve ever needed to write out the words “Rura Penthe”. I hope that doesn’t get me kicked out of the club or anything…

  2. TJ Says:

    Now…just to take things completely over the top, a more appropriate punishment might have been to paste pointy ears on you and THEN make you subject to the Pon Farr, a vulcan tradition whereby you are required to have sex only once every seven years or so. As far as most the audience goes, I suspect that that situation might actually be the least fictional part of the show…

  3. TJ Says:

    OMG…it wasn’t Miranda! It was Samantha wasn’t it? I ALWAYS get her name wrong. OK, you can make fun of ME now.

  4. Jeannie Says:

    Saw the movie. Loved it. Loved how they kept the humor in the dialogue with references to the original Star Trek series. My only gripe was Captain Pike ended up a quadroplegic in the original series. Pike could only answer yes or no questions telepathically through a little button that would light up on this chest. thought they’d follow through with this in the movie.

  5. Jeannie Says:

    Oh yeah… live long and prosper…

  6. TJ Says:

    ? ? ? WOW ? ? ?

    And I thought *I* was a nerd. But yeah…um, I noticed that too.

    Still, after reading a few J.J. Abram’s interviews, I believe there are two possible explanations. 1.) The fate of poor Captain Pike is not yet over and there are even more horrendous things in store for him. 2.) I’ll dub this “The Abrams Defense” - this film technically introduces an alternate timeline, a parallel universe whereby they characters are not necessarily bound to events described in the original series. In this timeline, therefore, Captain Pike may have been spared the 10 hours of makeup used to turn him into the unfortunate gimp we see in “The Menagerie.” To that end, Abrams has stated that he has no problem resurrecting the now-deceased Old Kirk (aka William Shatner) or even brining back the legendary Khan Noonian Singh. To be honest, that’s always been one of the series most interesting beats, so I’d support that. Anything to get Chris Pine to say “Khaaaaaaaan!!!”

    And now, I’m going to go ponder why I don’t get that many dates…

  7. Colleen Says:

    Wow, you guys….just….wow. I don’t even know where to BEGIN responding to these!

    TJ - I totally expected you to respond to this (it’s one of your most charming attributes!) but Jeannie, I had NO IDEA. I let Sean read and he was very impressed.

  8. TJ Says:

    I have charming attributes? I mean YES, of course I do…

    I starting to think that this Jeannie girl and I should go on a Star Trek date :)

  9. Declan Shalvey Says:



    Jeez, why didn’t you just call it a ‘Holo-shed’. That was a Futurama nerd-joke. Ask Sean.


  10. Jeannie Says:

    I’m just full of surprises (for an old-er chick). And I don’t think my hubby with like me going on a ST date with someone other than him ; )

  11. TJ Says:

    @Jeannie Touché!

  12. Anita Says:

    I’m so proud of you! You’re awesome, has anyone told you that lately?? Now go and embrace your inner geekiness. Lol.

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