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Not for the Faint of Heart

Warning: This post is a tad bit graphic. Easily PG-13. If you are among the faint of heart and easily disturbed by potty humor, discontinue reading.

You have been warned.

So have you ever had your cell phone in your pocket and gone to the bathroom just to have it fall out of your pocket into the toilet? Yeah, me too. Only today, I had a small glass bottle of foundation in my back pocket. It fell in the toilet and shattered against the side of the bowl.

It happened as I was standing after going not only number one, but also number two. So, there, amongst my own waste, were shards of glass and foundation glop.

I knew I had two options…I could flush, but I assumed flushing shards of glass couldn’t be good for the potty. Or I could go find my office manager…a woman to help me determine what to do. I decided that attempting the first option would be much less humiliating. And if the toilet clogged, so what? Then I can let them know and pass the blame onto someone else.

So I bite the bullet and flush. I hear shards of glass tinkling against the porcelin bowl and just as I thought everything would be fine, the water started swirling in the opposite direction and the water, piss, poo, and foundation started spilling over top of the toilet bowl and all over my Steve Madden suede boots. That’s karma for you, huh?

I’m pretty much the ONLY girl in the office who wears foundation so I knew they’d bust me if I didn’t fess up. I went to find my office manager to explain the debacle….and she joined me in the bathroom. Her face twisted, horrified by my mess. I told her that the toilet must have already been clogged because the poo wasn’t mine.

“And the foundation?” She asked.

“Yeah, that’s mine.” It was quiet for a moment, so I continued, “I dropped my foundation bottle in there. Then when I leaned in to retrieve the pieces of glass I accidentally leaned on the flusher lever (we have those old toilets with the huge metal push handle thing).” I waited for her response, biting my lip nervously.

Amazingly enough, she believed me and a smile cracked through her disgusted face. “I knew the ‘mess’ here couldn’t be yours. No way anything this big could come out of a girl so small!” Ahhh, if only she knew me better.

So now…I’m walking around and my boots smell like my own feces. And urine. It’s awful. My colleagues all know what happened and everyone else can smell me. If I were a cartoon character, a green-like fog would be trailing behind me as I walked. To make it worse I have to get on the subway tonight smelling like sewage.

Moral of the story: Do not put anything breakable in your back pocket when using the loo.

3 Responses to “Not for the Faint of Heart”

  1. Colleen_Katana Says:

    This is God’s ultimate weapon for someone with stage fright like you.


  2. Ello Says:

    ARGH!!!! Blech! Disgusting! But so horrifyingly funny at a later time when you are all clean. Oh, I really feel for you! The only story I think that is as bad is that I once worked with a hugely obese woman. I mean rally obese. And one day she complained about her stomach hurting all morning and finally went to the bathroom. Later on, I too went to the bathroom, opened up the big stall, and shrieked at the top of my lungs in horror. Someone (and I think we all know who it was) had sprayed shit all over the back of the toilet and all over the wall. It was unbelievable. To this day I can’t believe someone could do that and walk away. She never did admit that she did it even though everyone knew it was her.

  3. Colleen_Katana Says:

    Wow, that’s pretty horrifying! At least I went and found the proper cleanup team!

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