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Are Your Balls Bigger Than Your Brain?

Dear large (read: fat) man on the subway,

Why when you’re sitting do you have to have your legs spread so wide that your fat ass takes up two seats? Is it so hard to keep your knees together? I notice, this doesn’t happen with larger women. Women tend to cross their legs, their ankles, their arms, and hold their purses and bags in their laps…basically bending over backwards to make room for others regardless of what size they are. But you–you fat mother fucker–all you would have to do is close your legs just half as wide as you currently have them spread and that would be enough so that the old woman standing, stretching to hold onto the bar above your lazy head could sit down.

So why don’t you? Would that be too taxing for you after a long day of watching the security camera at the Astor Place KMart while eating a McDonald’s southern fried chicken sandwich? And please don’t feed me this excuse that it’s because you have two family jewels that can’t be squashed. Men use their balls for SO MANY excuses and I am sick to hell of it. And let’s face it, fatass…your balls are probably not even that big. No man’s testicles need THAT much room that you are currently giving yours at rush hour on the A train. Now, I’m not saying you have to squeeze your scrotum between your massive thighs until they turn blue. I’m not even asking you to cross your legs…I know you’re much too homophobic for that. Just adjust SLIGHTLY so the poor, old woman can sit down.

But no. You won’t do that, will you? So, it’s left up to me to offer the old woman my seat, three seats away from you, because you’re too inconsiderate to move a few inches to the right. I grab my CVS bag full of crap needed for my trip this weekend, my Citarella bag of fresh cheese, my laptop, my purse, my B&H bags of film and stand so that the woman can hobble over and sit. I walk over to you and clear my throat. You don’t even look up. I say “Excuse me,” and still nothing. I say it again louder…nothing. I refuse to give up. I WILL be sitting down and you WILL be moving over. Give up, already. RELENT. So, I turn, lower my bags to the floor and force my bony ass into the seat, pushing your fleshy thighs out of my way.

I don’t care that you smell like a combination of meat, cheese and sweat. I don’t care that my shoulders, hips and thighs are pressed against yours. You will learn your lesson. You will learn that next time having a sweet old lady sitting next to you is the better alternative than me, the uber bitch, forcing her way into your personal space. And for the record: when I had to sneeze, though yes I covered my mouth, I still purposefully turned my head in your direction.

Please next time be more conscious of those around you…particularly the elderly and pregnant women.

Thank you,

7 Responses to “Are Your Balls Bigger Than Your Brain?”

  1. AmyD Says:

    Ahahaa! Just found your blog and officially L-O-V-E it. Thanks for the Friday morning laugh, and for proving I’m not the only woman out there willing to sacrifice if it means I get to prove a point. ;o)

  2. Colleen_Katana Says:

    Thanks Amy! Welcome to my humble blog…I’m headed out of town for a couple weeks, but when I get back I will definitely be checking yours out too!

    And yes…there are two things I absolutely love: 1) Proving a point and 2) Playing Devil’s Advocate (not the movie, that was truly horrible)

  3. Take 5 Photography Says:

    You’re awesome.

    As always.

    Love, me.

  4. Da Man Says:

    If the fat guy was black, you wouldn’t have even made this post or made generalized, demeaning assumptions about the state of his life. Another typical, elitist liberal who has no problem running down white men, but who really has to have an epic struggle to run down black people who are openly hostile to her. Guy doesn’t move a little on the subway and because he’s fat, he gets run down, but black people are openly hostile, even physically abusive to you, and it takes a whole disclaimer paragraph about how socially fair you are to run THEM down. Puh-leaze.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Ummm. Race has NOTHING to do with this post, asshole. Another typical, elitest fat white man who is rude to people on a daily basis and got his feeling hurt (otherwise he wouldnt have posted a comment in the first place.)


    Fuck off.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Hey anonymous,

    So you’re telling me that if that fat guy was black, we would have gotten the same post? I doubt it. We would have been subjected to a four page dissertation on how maybe the fat black guy had heard the n-word uttered once 15 years ago and it had scarred him, causing him to be rude (through omission, not comission). In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the tone of the post went from one of disdain for the fat guy to one of sympathy, and maybe would have gone so far as to blame the elderly and the pregnant women on the train (assuming they were white) for being insensitive to his roots by standing over him, asserting a sort of “implied” white authority over him. Then, his decision to forego chivalry in that case would have been applauded as “standing up to the man” rather than lambasted with the condescending view of his assumed blue collar vocation.

    - da man

  7. Colleen_Katana Says:

    Whoa, I had a lot to catch up on upon exiting my plane this morning.

    Hey Da Man,

    First of all, I want to extend a genuine welcome to blogger (I see that you just joined) and thanks for stopping by and reading! I definitely enjoy seeing new people around here.

    Secondly, I assumed very litle in writing this post (as you suggested in your above comments)–you were the one assuming. This man mentioned in the story was a black man, in fact. His race just seemed completely irrelevant to the story at hand, whereas with the story about my neighborhood, race was pertinent to the story. He wasn’t taking up more than one seat on the subway because he was black; he was taking up two seats because he was fat and lazy and refused to move over. The point of the post wasn’t to chastise him for his decision to “forego chivalry.” I didn’t expect him to give up his seat…I did however expect him to display the common courtesy on a very crowded, busy train. All he needed to do was adjust his body slightly and more people could have sat down. And I believe that is just extremely inconsiderate.

    Also, he was wearing a KMart vest and a “Hello My Name Is” nametag, so that as well was not an assumption. What I did assume was that he worked security and had McDonald’s for lunch. But, like most writers, I tend to take creative liberties to make my stories more entertaining. Which, since this is my blog, I have every right to do–just as you have every right not to read it if you are offended.

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