Tonight I will be babysitting my darling niece, Maddie. Since we’re meeting in the city, I’m trying to decide what we should do. Normally, I would take her to my favorite knitting store. She loves playing with the yarn…but the store closes at 8 and we’re meeting at 8:30. Then I thought maybe we’d just go home and I could cook for her; make my famous chocolate mousse with steamed milk….buuuut she’s allergic to milk. So, then I thought of the perfect plan. One that was so amazing that I knew she’d be excited…ANY 6 year old would be!

Me: (over the phone) Maddie, I have a big plan for us tonight!

Maddie: What? What??!

Me: Well, I thought you and I could go see Wall-E! It’s opening night in the theatres!

Maddie: Oh. (total lack of enthusiasm)

Me: What? What’s wrong?

Maddie: Well, I really wanted to catch fireflies with you.

Me: (Numbed by how simple and sweet this statement is) I would LOVE that, Mad. We’ll see Wall-E another time!

Maddie: Don’t worry Aunt Colleen…you can buy me Wall-E for my birfday! I’d rather own it anyway.

Me: Uh, Maddie, I already got you a present. Besides, the movie just came out…it’s not going to be on sale for a while.

Maddie: (Pauses to think) Hm, well then you can take me to see it on my birthday! Tonight, there are fireflies that need to be catched!

Ways to Annoy Me:

1. Ask me to smell your finger or any other appendage. No explanation needed. (I hope)

2. Degrade the Sacred Oreo by eating it in one big bite. Please, pay the Oreo proper respects and first twist the two ends of chocolate cookie gently apart. Then continue to lick the virginal white cream until it is completely gone. Teeth may be used ever so cautiously to get the last scrapes of cream. Then, and ONLY then, may you eat each side of the cookie separately. Insubordination will not be tolerated.

3. Obliterate the pile of dirt and dog hair I just finished sweeping because you heard a dog bark outside and you MUSTGETTOTHEWINDOWRIGHTTHISSECOND! I am sweeping up YOUR goddamn fur. BOW BEFORE ME.

4. Uncover for the first time and proceed to investigate (Read: “lick”) your unmentionables while I am attempting to give you a bath. Also, playing tug of war with the wash cloth I am trying to wash your belly with. Let go…RELENT!

5. Make the comment: “Childbirth can’t be that painful. Try getting kicked in the nuts. Women just have a lower tolerance for pain.” How about I kick you in the nuts several times over the course of each hour for over 24 hours? After then, we can talk about pain.

6. Eat black licorice then try to give me a kiss. I’d rather kiss my dog after he had an Olympic afternoon of licking his ass.

7. Give me a guilt trip at the grocery store when I want to buy a bag of Vienna Fingers and then eat the entire bag of cookies YOURSELF.

8. Lick up the mouthwash I spilled all over the bathroom floor, then continue to throw it all up making the whole apartment smell like bacteria-killing fluoride minty fresh doggie puke.

9. Press your cold, wet nose against my leg then entire time I am putting on my makeup with a face that says, “Can we go out now? Can we go out now? Can we go out now?”
PS – STOP LICKING YOUR ASS.

10. Pronounce Target like “Ter-Git.” Have you no soul?

11. Get all the questions right on Cash Cab even though you’re not paying attention AND drunk. I realize that Cab Calloway was the obvious answer, but YOU’RE DRUNK. Nothing should be obvious.

12. Sit on top of me, panting, signifying that you want me to walk you thus preventing me from being actually being able to get up and take you on that walk.

13. Tell me we can watch one of MY movies tonight, only to spend the entire movie NOT watching, but playing Risk on your stupid computer.

14. Demonstrate the absorbency of a tampon by plugging up a leak in the side of a boat. That REALLY makes me want to buy your product and stick it in my vagina.

15. Give my dogs a toy that makes a lot of noise. May you contract an organ eating disease and have your guts devoured by rats. LOUD rats!

Hey everyone…I am in dire need of some business advice. Especially from the professionals out there!

As most of you know, I’m freelancing a lot right now for a few different magazines. One particularly has very odd rules which have been accumulating since the day I signed my contract. I want to know how people think I should handle this:

-They require me to come into the office once a week for eight hours….and not get paid for those hours. (I was ok with this thinking it would be a temporary thing…like, until they got used to me and knew I was doing my job and doing it well. Well, it’s not temporary in their minds. They want me to continue coming in for the rest of my life and then sign my first born over to the company.)

-So, while I’m at the office, not getting paid for hours I’m working, (not only writing but doing other random odd jobs that a freelancer shouldn’t be doing for a company. In my mind at least) they dictate that I’m not allowed to eat or drink at my laptop which I bring into the office with me every week. I would understand if it was their equipment…but this is my computer. Not to mention, writing is creative process. I NEED MY COFFEE TO BE CREATIVE. In all honesty, I could be around the corner writing and getting MORE work done with a venti caramel frap.

-Also, while at the office, working hours which I am not being paid for, the editor has mandated that everyone MUST take lunch between the hours of 12:30 and 1:30. If you don’t leave the office during this time, then you DON’T LEAVE AT ALL. IE - If you don’t eat lunch at 12:30, you go hungry. Now…I am turning 25 in a couple of weeks. I really don’t need someone telling me when to eat. I am a professional and I should be allowed to eat when hungry. If I have a doctor’s appointment, I should be able to go to that without being chastised by a boss who doesn’t pay me for the hours I work within the office. Outside of working in the food industry and retail, I never thought it wouldn’t matter WHEN I ate my lunch within an office environment. Plus…do I need to remind everyone, yet again, that I’m not being paid for these hours? How in the world can you justify telling people when they can leave when you’re not paying them?

-And lastly, the editor sent notice to the writers that there were too many grammatical errors in this issue. And that in the next round of articles, we will be docked $25 per mistake. PER. MISTAKE. I only get paid $100 per article. So, you’re telling me that if I make 4 mistakes, you will pay me nothing? And, I’m sorry, I was under the impression that it was an editor’s job to, oh I don’t know…EDIT!

Now, I know I sound like a whiny child here, and if I had a ton of really stupid grammatical errors within my articles, then I would understand an editor coming to me and saying, “Look, Colleen, you really need to check over your articles before sending them in.” It’s just the way we’re all being treated that irks me so much. But all this being said, I revise and edit my articles A LOT. Not to mention none of the editors at the three other magazines I write for have ever had a problem with me or my grammar.

So, all this being said…please enlighten me. Perhaps this IS how the industry works and I am just inexperienced? How should I handle this? Should I terminate my contract? I am seriously stressed out about it…any insight would be SO appreciated.

I attended a party/Q&A last night for the tv show, How I Met Your Mother. It was a great time. Met a really nice man named Nick who works in casting and I also met Neil Patrick Harris whom I am now madly in love with. If only he wasn’t gay, I could have his babies. Neil, if you ever need a surrogate or an egg donor…CALL ME. We would make beautiful Aryan babies.

I also met Josh something-or-other who plays Ted on the show. He was very nice and attractive but also extremely tired. I felt bad for all of them. And Allison Hannigan was absolutely lovely and very gracious.

Anyway, that was my evening and it was awesome!