I was lucky enough to spend the entire weekend (or most of it) with my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and beautiful baby niece, Adelynn. The boyfriend! joined us for most of the weekend as well…we were one large and very loud family!

At one point, we were all hanging out in the hotel room. I still had my high-heeled boots strapped on in order to spare everyone from the stench that is my feet.

My brother-in-law was reclining on the sofa and noticed this, confused. “C’mon,” he said, “They can’t be that bad!” Oh Adam. You have so much left to learn about this family.

So, I bent down, unzipped my boots, peeled away my sweaty socks and he dropped over dead. I, then, had to yell to my sister in the other room that I had killed her husband and her baby’s daddy and the NYPD were on their way to book me now for assault with a deadly swamp foot.

Adam eventually regained consciousness and for the rest of the weekend, I was forced to keep my feet sealed in saran wrap.

Should I send you unsolicited advice?
No.

How do you pronounce Katana?
Kuh-Tay-Nuh.

But I always thought it was pronounced Kah-Tah-Nah, like the sword. Can I still say it like that?
Sure, why not. I pronounce the “g” in champagne and bologna and cologne, even though I know better. Consider it even.

Do you prefer that I address you as Colleen or Ms. Katana?
I prefer you that you address me as Astounding Being of Radiance and Grandeur.

What breed of dog are Luna and Red?
They are a little bit of everything. Luna is a Labrador, Whippet, Terrier, and probably some Pit Bull. Red is a little harder to figure out. Sean thinks he’s Pit and Lab. And since he’s really Red’s owner, I can’t argue…BUT, I think he’s Labrador, Great Dane, and Boxer. They are both one of a kind, and no, you can’t have them. Ok, maybe Luna…but you have to ask really nicely.

What kind of camera do you use?
A Nikon D70. But I’m hoping to get a new one soon.

“I’m surprised you haven’t been reported to the humane society with how you treat and talk about your dog. You were going to put her down for no good reason! What if I put you down!? And, just so you know, Beanie babies are very dangerous for dogs to chew on. She could suffocate and choke on the beads. Don’t let her eat them! You’re absurd. Grow up.”

Ok, but when you call the Humane Society, please make sure you tell them the whole story. Not only do I force feed her beanie babies, but first I set her in the middle of a flea and tick-infested floor, chain her to an anvil and surround her with broken glass, razor blades and knives from my kitchen. Then I force her to watch other dogs outside who get to run and play and fetch. Then, just before leaving the room and locking the door, I stick a bottle full of tequila down her throat to muffle the barking.