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I love coffee. Sometimes people try to switch my coffee to decaf when I’m not looking. I can always tell the difference. I also like Pringles, but only the reduced fat kind because they crunch better when you bite into them and they don’t leave grease on your fingers. I’m…

About Me
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As part of our quest to support women’s issues, Katana Photography is excited to announce our first ever Celebrating Survival contest!
Having any kind of cancer is frightening and confusing. In recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Katana Photography is welcoming all survivors from all forms of cancer to participate…

Weekly Photo
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When I was looking to buy my wedding invitations (back in April), I found a lot of designers on Etsy. After narrowing it down to a couple different designs/companies, I contacted both for their pricing list. One was pretty significantly more expensive–almost $2 per invitation more. Which I think all…

Weekly Style
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When talking to people about photography, I hear one phrase over and over again: Kids and dogs are the hardest subjects to photograph.
I, personally, don’t have this problem with my clients…kids and dogs are among my favorite things to photograph. Maybe it’s because I like to have any excuse…

Weekly Puppies
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Last week, Sean and I had our morning coffee on the balcony and watched as the Enterprise shuttle was pulled down the Hudson on a tug boat. It’s on its way to the Intrepid and I can’t wait to see it up close at the museum!

Weekly Coffee

Yeah, you’re totally the chubbiest 5′7, 90lb woman I’VE ever seen.

Here’s a conversation I was a part of the other day at rehearsal:

90lb, 5′7 Blonde woman:
Ugh, Gawd…I feel totally bloated today. I had like seven M&M’s! Can you believe that? Seven! I really need to learn self-control.

Me:
(Remains silent. Hides my Snickers bar behind my back)

90.5lb, 5′6 woman:
Yeah, I know what you mean. Just be sure to eat a salad with no dressing tonight for dinner.

90lb, 5′7 Blonde woman:
But I don’t like tomatoes, cucumbers or carrots.

90.5lb, 5′6 woman:
So, get your salad without all that.

(They both nod in agreeance)

Me:
So, you’re just going to have lettuce for dinner?

90lb, 5′7 Blonde woman:
Yeah. (She shrugs, obviously seeing nothing weird about this)

Me:
Why don’t you add some avocado to that? Or tofu. Tofu’s healthy.

90lb, 5′7 Blonde woman:
Um, ew. Carbs.

Me:
Tofu’s protein. Not carbs. And avocado is nature’s miracle food. It’s really good for you.

90lb, 5′7 Blonde woman:
Whatever. It’s fatty.

Me:
(presses lips together, fighting the urge to make her look like the dumbass she is)
Ok. Enjoy your lettuce.

Updates

I’m having trouble keeping this blog up to date with my new job writing for Animal Fair. I apologize and I will try very hard to post something soon! In the meantime, let’s discuss this video of my true love, Milo Ventimiglia. I fell in love with him when he played Jess on Gilmore Girls (Stop laughing. No seriously…stop laughing at me, it’s a good show!!), then I followed him to the Bedford Diaries and stalked him mercilessly hoping to run into him at a bar while he was in NY (came relatively close once, but he had left the bar half an hour before I got there!!! DAMNIT!) And then lastly watched him religiously on Heroes (the first season…I haven’t been following the 2nd very closely). But now with this video…I’m seriously worried that he is not the man I thought he was.

How could you do this to me, Milo? To our future children? I hate to do this, but I’m not so sure you and I are meant for each other anymore. I’m afraid we’ve grown apart throughout the years. But I wish you the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QuE-shcNqA

Luna

Luna may just be the luckiest dog ever. I received a call yesterday from a veterinarian in the city who wants to help Luna get better. Pro-bono. She must be Luna’s guardian angel.

The Ups and Downs

The Ups and Downs
The Ups and Downs
The Ups and Downs
The roller coaster peaked, and took a hard fall. My dog, Luna, has to be put to sleep on Saturday for reasons that I am not yet ready to discuss. She is a quirky pet who has her issues, but was still a good dog in many ways.

As I’m sure you can imagine, I’m a wreck right now and I can’t imagine my tears ceasing any time soon. Please think of me and Luna at 2:00pm on Saturday and say a prayer that she falls into her eternal sleep peacefully and that I have the strength to make it through the weekend without falling apart.

Go Ahead…Guess!

Guess who just got a freelance job writing for the amazing Wendy Diamond and her magazine, Animal Fair? That’s right–ME! And I am so excited that I am this close ::pinching fingers together:: to peeing all over my desk chair right now!

The Most Comfortable Toilet Ever

So, I don’t know if anyone saw this article already…but this woman sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. TWO YEARS with her ass on that hard plastic seat! Her skin had apparently grown over the seat!!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23595533/#storyContinued

Now, this raises a few questions in my mind:
1)Why??(IE - what was wrong with this woman psychologicallY?)
2)Was this a case of abuse? Did her boyfriend force her to stay in the bathroom…but even in that case, if he’s locking you in the bathroom, that doesn’t mean you can’t stand up from the toilet now and then.
3)Why??!
4)If this is not a case of abuse, why did it take the boyfriend 2 years to call the authorities, reporting his girlfriend was “acting funny.” After 24 hours, I would have called someone!
5)Why!?!?!
6)Where the hell did her boyfriend go to the bathroom during those two years?
and lastly…

7)WHY!?!?!?!

Things Said To Me By Previous Bosses

**None of the quotes below are from my current job. My boss here has always been wonderful and polite, almost family-like in a lot of ways! These are all from previous jobs!

(While working at a restaurant)
Boss: (not knowing I was behind him, talking to the new bartender) You should check out Colleen. As a waitress, she sucks. But she’s easy on the eyes.
New Guy: Oh yeah? Which one is she? What does she look like?
Boss: Picture a really pretty face. Now put that face on a two by four. That’s Colleen.

(while working in retail)
Boss: (while doing inventory with me) Hm, these are torn. They’re a small…do you want them?
Me: Uh, aren’t we supposed to send them back to the manufacturer or something?
Boss: Nah, people shoplift all the time here. We’ll write it off as that.

(Same retail job, same boss)
Boss: You see that guy? Keep an eye on him. I think he may be shoplifting.
Me: Why? What’s he doing?
Boss: He’s black.

(While working at the same restaurant…a different boss)
Female Boss: I told my husband you and I were going for drinks after work.
Me: Uh…but I’m not 21.
Female Boss: So? We’re not actually going.
Me: Oh.
Female Boss: (Leaves in an unidentified car with a man who is not her husband.)

(In an office job)
Boss: Don’t wear that lipstick. It looks like you should be out at a rave.

The lipstick was red. And not a “whore” red. Just a deep, crimson. I wore the same lipstick the entire week just to piss her off.

(At Disney World)
Boss: (trying to explain to the group what working at Disney is like) Some days, it’s like Boom, Boom, Boom. Other days….just Boom.

Missy, Lynne and I: Huh?

(While working for a small publication)
Boss: Be sure to buy that ad space for us today. Use the company card.
Me: Ok.
(the next day)
Boss: What is this $600 charge to our credit card!!!!!
Me: The ad space we bought yesterday.
Boss: What ad space!?
Me: Er–the one you told me to buy yesterday.
Boss: I did?
Me: Yeah…
Boss: Oh.

(male boss at the restaurant…again)
Boss: Are you bulimic?
Me: Uh, no.
Boss: Really?
Me: Yep, pretty sure.
Boss: But you never steal any food on your shifts!
Me: Well, that’s cause I’m anorexic. Not bulimic. There’s a difference. (I was totally kidding)
Boss: ….
::Blink. Blink, blink.::

(Different Male boss at the restaurant)
Boss: Are your boobs real?
Me: (silence…does this dumbass really think I’d pay for boobs this small?) No, but I told my doctor before the sex change operation that I wanted the boobs to match the rest of my body.
Boss: Wait…you mean, you’re a dude?

Over the Hill

The other night was my good friend, Frank’s, 26th birthday. 26. And that’s when I realized that I will be 25 in July. 25. 25 freaking years old! I remember meeting people who were 25 years old when I was in high school and thinking, “Wow. 25…you’re like an adult.” Then, I remember meeting the assistant producer when I first started as an intern at my company…and she was 25. And I remember thinking, “Whoa. 25. You’re old.” And now I am that old girl. That so-called “adult.”

This whole getting old thing sucks. I’m used to being the youngest in every group. I was the youngest of three kids. I was always the youngest in school. I’ve always been the youngest out of all my friends. And this is slowly starting to change. I think I need to find newer, older friends. Anyone in their 30s feel like hanging out?

There are a couple new interns in my office, two are in college and one graduated last year. We all went for happy hour drinks a couple of weeks ago. I honestly wasn’t feeling it. I would have much preferred to run home, slip into pj’s and watch the Rachel Ray Show, which I had DVR’d earlier, with a cup of hot tea. But I decided not to be a fuddy-duddy and managed to oil up my walker and head to the Village Tavern with all these youngin’s. Over a Magners (the greatest cider EVER) the college kids and I were chatting about where everyone was from. As it turned out, one of the girls was from a town in Connecticut where a guy I used to date lived. After telling her this, I mentioned his name to which she responded:
“You mean Devland Avocado?” (obviously, this is not his real name…I am protecting his privacy)

I felt immediately cool, and hip and with it and pushed the thought that my back was aching out of my mind. “Yes!” I replied, “You know him?”

She smiled and started laughing sadistically. “Yeah! Mr. Avocado was my history teacher, senior year in high school!”

I died a little inside that day, hearing her call a man I dated, “Mr. Avocado.”

I chugged what was left of my Magners, wiped the foam from my lips and immediately left the bar.

I was starting to feel better the next night as I babysat Maddie, my best friend’s five year old daughter. We were skipping and playing and exploring the city. And all was right with my world again.

“You know what I told my teacher yesterday?” Maddie looked up at me with big, brown eyes.

“No, what’s that Maddie?”

“I told her I was hanging out with my bestest friend in the world tonight.”

“Really?” I smiled and ran my fingers through her silky hair,”You’re one of my bestest friends too, Maddie.” Then I added, “And my favorite five year old.”

And just then, I started to think…I’m not 25 yet. I still have four glorious months of my 24th year on this planet. Four wonderful months before I roll over that hill. And I should explore it like a five year old, excited and thrilled with every moment and every opportunity.

Maddie stood on the subway chair beside me and threw her arms around my neck. “I’m turning six in July!” She stated as if reading my thoughts.

“I know!” I said, “My birthday’s in July too! Know how old I’ll be?” Maddie shook her head. “25!” I said smiling in an exaggerated way.

Maddie’s eyes grew wide and her face dropped, mouth gaping open. “Whoa. That’s. Old.” And she paused between each word for effect. You know, to give herself some time to twist the knife.

I sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

A List of Lists

A List of Lists

1. Things I would like to do to Angelina Jolie:
a) CENSORED
b) CENSORED
c) CENSORED

2. Things I would like to do to Brad Pitt:
a) CENSORED
b) CENSORED
c) CENSORED

2. Things I shouldn’t say to my parents:
a) Can I borrow some money?
b) Vote Obama.
c) Jesus Fucking Christ!

3. Things I shouldn’t eat for the risk of ruining perfectly good pants:
a) Broccoli
b) Canned chili
c) That curried chicken with a side of curried rice. With curry. And did I mention the curry?

4. People I’d Like to toss off a bridge:
a) Ryan Seacrest
b) Anne Coulter
c) Ted Nugent

5. Reasons to adore The Boyfriend!
a) The smell of his cologne
b) He gives the greatest hugs
c) The fact that he puts up with my crazy dog

6. Drinks I will order at Frank’s birthday party this evening:
a) Pinot Noir
b) Dirty vodka martini. Extra olives.
c) Whatever she’s having. But make mine a double.

7. Nicknames I’m tossing about:
a) CoKat
b) Panic at the Colleen
c) Ice C.

8. Nicknames to combine The Boyfriend’s! name and mine (like Brangelina, Bennifer, etc):
a) Cosea
b) Kamurphy
c) Sealleen

9. People I would blame if I ever got arrested:
a) The entire SCAD administration
b) Republicans
c) OJ Simpson

10. Things I’d love to eat right now but won’t because I have to lose 10 pounds:
a) Waffles. With fruit. And whipped cream.
b) A Moe’s chicken burrito with a side of macaroni salad.
c) That whole bag of Peanut M&M’s sitting on my producer’s desk.

Mom

Mom
My mother has heard through the grapevine that her dear, darling daughter has a weblog. And has requested the URL. Actually, what she asked for was the “thingy.” It took me a few seconds to figure out what “thingy” she was requesting.

“You want my social security number mom?”
“No, the thingy so I can get to your stuff.”
“A map of the tri-state area?”
“No, the computer’s thingy!”
“I don’t think that the computer has a penis, mom.”
“You’re so crude! I mean the thingy you type in to get to your webpage.”
“Ohhhh, THAT thingy!”

In fact, my mother is so computer illiterate, that she couldn’t figure out that the “send” button is what sends the emails through cyberspace (I love you mom).

So anyway, it is because of my mommy’s dedication to her daughter and interest in all that I write that I will be going through and censoring my previous blogs. Not that there’s anything that she really can’t or shouldn’t see…but just out of respect for her and to maintain some privacy in my life. Because, apparently living 562.04 miles from home does not offer enough of said privacy.

And mom…I’m sorry for the bad language you will inevitably be reading. You raised your daughter better and while I do have an extensive vocabulary, sometimes there is just no substitute for “Fuck.”